It Wasn’t Enough — No. Is It Ever Enough?
It Wasn’t Enough — No.
I wasn’t enough.
Whatever I’d do, wherever I’d turn, however I’d leap, it wasn’t enough.
Hence I took a leap of faith and changed everything, everything.
Most probably this is the best choice when nothing, nothing is. On the contrary, seems too slippery. The more I'd tried to cling, the slippery it had gotten. And it had felt like a never stopping hamster wheel.
In this decade, I have been perceived as this glamorous (perhaps?) brand ambassador and marketeer.
The product had chosen me. I didn’t. At the time, I didn’t find the test suitable for our market.
I’ve had it sold, anyway. When succeeding is the only way, one ought to make it anyway.
Moreover, according to people’s perception, the image of me was …, …, and whatever else the perception was.
My personal branding had taken over my life. I wasn't aware of it, of my personal branding. And yet I was wanted for the very first time since I had landed in Romania at the age of 9. The market wanted me.
Now I realise, I was successful.
At the time, I didn’t feel successful or accomplished. Not even a tiny bit.
Well, firstly, because it wasn’t enough. Nobody told me I was enough. Nobody made me feel I was enough. Except for the gentleman by the straits. And even he — wouldn’t or couldn’t understand that it was too much for me to bear.
Moreover, the image of me had taken control. People, the market, the system of the country with whatever it lacks were into the image of me.
Success wanted more success.
Always better, and better. And more, and more.
Always outside, not inside.
Habibi, with this perception why would it be OK for ladies to ever think that you are enough?
And what about my SELF?
An accomplished successful gentleman - himself thought I should conquer the market and work more. Do more. Work out, intensely. Not even for a moment did he think I was crumbling under the weight of the burden I carried. Why would he?
Another wannabe macho thought he could find a way through, although he’d been informed — that it wasn’t possible. He’d advise about my business. He’d be interested in my business. Yet he wouldn’t work in my place or ease the burden. He’d talk.
I am a Damascene. I have grown amidst petals of roses and jasmine. Do you think I'll ever settle for less than who I am? Why would I? Do you think I should?
The market and everybody, everybody without any exception, had kept expecting of me to give, and create, and develop, only that except for the clients, the market itself didn’t respond in the needed pace, after so many years of constant effort.
DO but not BE.
So, at a given point, thank God — something negative happened.
Was it the Universe backing me?
You can imagine that I took the opportunity to make a very important call. The only decision I have had the “luxury” to make, in the past decade. - That being said, survival mode means choosing the less bad of all the bad choices offered by circumstances. Nevertheless, I have been blessed for all of my decisions have been based on love.Survival mode is a bitch, yes. So why not struggle and make it through amidst petals of roses?
Face to face with this opening I decided to shut down my company. The system is still alive and well, as we speak. Yet the old business entity of it is gone in the veils of the past. And so are all the old energies. Whoever is sticking around has had to come up with a different attitude and approach toward me - my mother included.
I am only human myself, too. I might have needed a pinch of “vorba buna” - of kind words, you know what I mean. And of soft-spoken people. Yet how could you have the gift of the vorba buna lest you are humble?
For almost a decade, I’ve outsourced a family, business partners, soulmates, friends, everything everything from different realms and hemispheres.
You see… it wasn’t enough. It hasn’t been enough.
Thankfully, the mirage of the image is no more. There’s only the essence of my being.
In this ambience, the new pieces and energies of my brand new life are settling in my new puzzle.
I have got this updated version of the garden of roses set in place.
A brand new space, where everyone is, and everything feels enough.
Ambition and grit are also enough. Balanced in their ardent passion and desire for the better and for progress. Not to mention for writing.
I’ve let go of all the "balloons".
Because I feel enough in the infinite now…
Maybe that was the trick — my telling myself I am enough?
My complimenting myself. Practising self-love. What else? Masterdating - a term I’ve stumbled upon on Facebook, explained as taking oneself on a date. I’ve been taking myself to restaurants, trips, you name it. That’s what the gentlemen of the 3rd Millennium have kept advising: do! go! create! work! travel!
Is this one more disease of our time? That of self-absorbed people?
"What's your plan?"
"My plan? How about, for once, stumble into an enhanced species or perhaps a huMAN? Or maybe I have, already."
Now you tell me, isn’t that enough? 😉
The female writing this post is before the monthly “rainy” days.
So you can understand the tone of voice.
As a matter of fact, she might take advantage of the sarcasm released by hormones to write more posts on marriage and on divorce.