Love and Marriage. What Story Do You Make Of It?
I used to think that love was the most important foundation of marriage.
I still do.
Only that Love, on its own, is not enough. It isn’t!
I personally see it as the foundation and the glue which keeps marriage tight. Spiced up, big time, by and with Respect.
Marriage tends to be a matrix… Complex in its simplicity. Effortless in its depth. Steady in the effort. Boundaryless in update and change. Centred in the grit of never ever giving up on the one you love, your half, your partner, that is when/if the marriage is based on LOVE.
With business marriages, well, most probably when conditions are met, there are no problems under the roof of ...
Marriage, I'd say, is a 3yar. A synchronisation. O potriveala. A mix and match of feelings and agreements, of what one can and can’t do without. Who knows this? Most probably — the self.
The pillars and must be’s in this matrix vary from one another. And it’s personal. Very personal.
So peculiar and personalised a journey it is that an outsider may not know or speak of it. That is to my belief, of course. For they are not with the two while they blend and interchange the fragrances of their beings and feelings, through thick and thin. Ideally.
“Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance” thought Jane Austen.
I tend to agree on that. Marriage is like a lottery ticket.
A decade ago, I got married.
"At the time, had Jesus told you you’d get a divorce you wouldn’t have believed, because you were hair over nails in love", a friend once told me.
I was happy and I had it all. So I thought back then. The world was all mine — until it blew up in my face.
Have you watched the unfortunate blast in Beirut? Something of that sort.
Life is full of surprises.
They call it “one’s becoming”.
I'd say I’ve been unbecoming everything I’ve been taught and have seen in our house: be caring, selfless, cook as an act of love, be the ardent cheerleader of one's life companion etc. In a nutshell, put your partner first. Yes, I’ve seen that in our family.
Though Julieta is a narcissist which makes her kind of awkward when it comes to motherhood, as a wife — she’s the most devoted wife I’ve ever seen in my life.
Don’t take an act of kindness and love for granted.
A paper does not guarantee them a jamais.
Staying true to the dough of the relationship, instead, and renewing it, with every cycle, might ensure longevity.
Moreover, you can’t lose something or someone who’s never been.
Just like you cannot give away what you haven't got: in your heart, mind, and soul.
I’ve been becoming who I am. Extracting petals of roses, day by day.
Based on my personal experience, I’d like to share the following 1,2...6:
9,5 out of 10 persons didn’t even consider the fact that I wasn’t OK or that I was (very) ill during the divorce - both emotionally and mentally.
Men don’t understand, the Romanian shrink had told me.
And why is that?
If he “doesn’t understand” then who does understand, the neighbour?
Tale as old as Damascus, song as sweet as the Rose, we ladies have adapted to men, she told me.
Might be! Adapting is one thing. Stepping on our being is another thing.
The man lifts his hat and puts it back on his head and sees to his path as if nothing has ever happened, while we ladies are pointed the finger at.
Gush! How did that sound?! Are you kidding me? I couldn’t have phrased it better. That is what SHE, a European lady, had told me — a Damascene of Arab essence. What happened to European Romanian female empowerment? Is it just a facade?
Why do I have to adapt to patterns I am not?
If HE "ain’t" a man, don't you think it’s only becoming of us, ladies, to see to our path?
If HE is puss in boots, a disrespectful, an ABUSIVE, (...), you name it, it’s not ours to answer before society for it, right?
Society ought to be coherent with expectations if you ask me.
I don’t think of myself as a feminist. At least not in the classical sense.
I say give me my space to be, breathe, create and we’re fine.
Step on my being and boundaries, the ones you have known me for before proposing, and -- the one you have accustomed to will evaporate into Aladdin's lamp.
Should HE not be present in any aspect of the marriage, well, my dearest…
That’s why, singing a man’s laurels over nothing, in time, might be stupid and might be forming self-centred, egotistic, narcissistic male bitches.
It takes more of a man than beholding his manhood and negotiating it, doesn't it?
The ugliest encounter of events I’ve witnessed in the past decade has been of male tramps. Or should I call them, sapiens tramps?
Of course, there are plenty of such female inhumans out there, as well. I’ve heard stories. I shall keep them for some other time.
To exemplify what I mean by male "tramp":
“My sister is happy with her kids.” Implying, you, malady, are getting old. Have me or stay childless.
“When are you buying yourself a house?” a question asked by an Arab.
Please be informed that according to the Arab tradition the guy "opens" the house, he's the provider of it.
9,5 out of 10 Romanian persons I have talked to didn’t even consider that I wasn’t the cause of the divorce. It wasn't an option. The FEMALE is GUILTY by DEFAULT. I am talking Romania, not Arabia.
My brothers in Turkey were very supportive, a leur maniere.
9,5 out of 10 Romanian persons I have been "interviewed" by asked me: “Did you leave him for the money?" A constant and repetitive question based on… the essence of themselves, perhaps?
To my astonishment, even a person with a very niche profile, a journalist working abroad had the same manner of approach.
I have not let anyone in on my story.
I won’t let anybody in on my story.
Why would I?
My soulmates are already in.
Feeling and seeing me for who I am.
Words are much ado.
My father’s family was understanding and supportive in approach. Our common DNA must have sprung about the answers.
Some things are better felt than said, don’t you think?
It took a guy who was into me 3 years to understand that I was undergoing a process of depression. 3 years!
Upon having that bloody coffee, he’d say “I was out and about skiing with the guys. ”
I was skiing amidst the feelingless arid desert of the West, too.
People come, people go, and a few exquisite of them, STAY.
The repetitive piece of advice I’ve received from the Romanian Ladies:
They — men don’t care, said something like “morning has broken”, “the sun shines”.
Do you, maladies, care? That is my question.
We are the ones giving birth.
The Heavens have bestowed upon us nurturing gifts to be cherished.
Make believe the starting point is this: “Be the change we want to see in the world." Don't you think?
Upon fulfilling this primary condition, one can and may strive and aim for the impossible, accepting nothing less.
Why not leave room for the unknown, too? What if I should listen instead? Why jump into assumptions when I could LISTEN?
May I believe it's possible? Do you think the Universe will allow for it?
You see, I have never known what I have been searching for.
It seems I’ve had to safely deploy myself to myself, have myself land in a revived Garden of Roses and manifest a brand new constellation of people just like the 0,0000001 variable in the Universe. And I’m loving it!
I have many petals of stories on marriage.
Yet to conclude this post, I'd say marriage is what one makes of it.
Love and Marriage. What Essence Do You Make Of It?